Harvard Yard Child Care Center

RED DOOR ROOM PARENT WORKTIME MANUAL

Written by Diane Lusk, parent, teacher and director for fourteen years

at Harvard Yard Child Care Center

following her year as a Red Door Room parent

(amended '97, ’02, ‘10)

The standard Yale studies series on four year olds is subtitled "Wild and Wonderful" and uses the word exuberance in almost every paragraph.  There does seem to be a new burst of biological energy around the fourth birthday--and the Red Door Room reflects it.  Your own role during parent help may be a quiet one--the gentle, sane guide through projects and play--but be prepared for a storm of energy all around you.

Motor Mouths  Many parents especially notice a burst of verbal energy around 4:  non stop talking and asking.  ("Now it's time to keep some of your thoughts to yourself," said a friend of mine to her four-year-old son.  He tried, but lost the battle ten times in five minutes).

Sixteen little voices all eager to get their news out and their questions answered can be quite an earful.  Fortunately, children this age have an increasing ability to wait to speak without forgetting what they wanted to say.  You may find yourself having to negotiate turns to talk in the RDR just the way you have negotiated turns with toys in former years.  The up side of this development is that you can be valuable to children this year simply by listening.

Super Kids  When they are not talking, many of them are "flying" as Spiderman, Wonder Woman, Batman, etc., or screaming frantically as a Baby.  This fascination with being Very Powerful or Very Helpless is a central theme for four year olds, presumably arising from their central concerns about growing up.  Being very big and strong can feel very powerful and wonderful, but what if people stop taking care of you too soon?  It also feels safe and wonderful to be completely taken care of.  Autonomy is a big issue at this age and RDR kids often grapple with it by switching back and forth from stubbornly independent to extremely helpless.

Conflicts  Since such personal issues can be involved in selecting an identity for play, conflicts over who can pretend what or play what can get very intense in the RDR.  The worst conflicts occur when two or more kids have a game going and another wants to join yet is totally rejected or cannot accept any of the available remaining roles.  There are rights on both sides.  On one hand, it can be hard work for a couple of kids to organize a whole drama or game together and it doesn't seem fair to keep making them start over every time someone wanders over and wants to join, especially if they want to play it a different way.  On the other hand, the physical space does belong to everyone and no one should be forced to be Spider Puppy (or whatever) or be left out of games just because he or she is a little slower to get ready to play.

If kids can't sort it out themselves (and certainly we are striving for just that), you may have to make a judgment call and assist in negotiations.  If you think that having the established game interrupted will produce much more harm than good, you can help the joiner in making his/her wish known that he/she would like to play at some point.  Oftentimes this is enough to prompt children to include (in some way or at some time) the one who wants to join.  At the very least the joiner will have his voice heard and sometimes that matters just as much as joining.   If you think the joiner is being completely unreasonable and inflexible, you can point out that the real choices right now are to join the game as it is for a while (if that is the issue) or to go elsewhere and play something else with someone else; a few concrete suggestions sometimes help.  If you think the original group is being completely unreasonable and inflexible, you can point out the injustice and help them to work on finding a solution to the problem.  Giving kids the tools to work things out themselves is a goal in the RDR.

When I found myself out of patience with the sheer endlessness of these role and who's playing with whom negotiations, I tried to remember that learning to distinguish and assign temporary identities and coordinate them into a satisfying drama as well as just trying to figure who can play what, how, when, and where is probably excellent practice for cooperative work and play in the future.  Sometimes it helped.     

Circle Time  The high energy, social intensity, and considerable independence of this age in organizing its own focused activities demand a lot of room in the RDR schedule for "free play."  However, we do have circle time once in the morning and once in the afternoon with adult-structured activities.  It's a break for them in the fast pace of the day they set and a bit of gentle preparation for Real School.

At circle children are usually asked to sit together.  Significant up-coming events are discussed.  Stories are read.  Sometimes songs are sung or whole room issues discussed.  You may be asked to put out a few "brush fires" in your area of the circle, but by and large parents can relax and sit with their own children, providing a model of attentive listening.

Parents can usually join the activity their child chooses and facilitate happy exploration and play there unless drastically needed elsewhere.  Parent ideas for activities are welcome.  Please let teachers know about your ideas the day before if at all possible.  And think about how you want to handle the chance that your child might not choose your activity but insist on your company.

Independence and Defiance.  Four year olds can be very independent.  Much of this interest in being "big" expresses itself positively:  they are more able to dress themselves, to find, use and clean up materials they want on their own, to be fairly civilized at eating times, and to resolve many peer conflicts on their own.  But sometimes their joy and pride in being big takes them out of bounds.  They try out the notion that they are too big to take you, your thoughts, wishes, or outright demands into account any more.  "Just try and make me" is an all-too-frequent stance for a while.  Sometimes it's personal, stubborn, and angry, and sometimes-- especially in groups of kids--it becomes a delighted, get-the-grown-ups rebellion.

We do everything we can to foster the first kind of independence.  Children in the RDR are expected to do quite a bit on their own.  In practical aspects of living, they are expected to really dress themselves, unpack their lunches, and clean up their messes--not just make the token gestures of cooperation that may have passed muster before.  In more spiritual matters, they are expected to be sensitive to the feelings of the children and adults they affect and participate in solving problems they create, not just refrain from biting, hitting, and thieving.  We try to support this independence by noticing and sharing the pride of accomplishments, and by making time to struggle through the rough spots on the way there.  Every parent can help with this; it's fun.

Dealing with the defiance side of bigness is not usually fun.  Sometimes one can use the get-the-grown-ups impulse by turning what you want them to do into a way of tricking you, surprising you, or otherwise proving that you are a wrong-headed fool.  (Teachers simply dying with shock that an area did get cleaned up while their backs were turned actually worked one year.)  But often no amount of trickery, explanation, or appeal to sense and kindness works, and you just have to set the limit, stick to the rule, and wait for the screams to fade.  Full-fledged, toddler-style tantrums sometimes re-emerge in the RDR, and now, as then, one can only wait out the storm and try again.

My Child the Maniac.  Storms will probably be most frequent and severe during your worktime.  It's frustrating, even humiliating, but absolutely par for the course.  Try to remind yourself that the other people around do spend enough time with your child to know your child's brighter sides too.

There is no single way of handling worktime tantrums that is successful for everyone.  When it's particularly bad, check in with teachers to see if you can work out a strategy together.  Teachers may come to your rescue without being asked if they think a fresh face is needed.  Please let them rescue you and don't be embarrassed; teachers rescue each other as well.

Talking About Your Child.  Parenting a four year old can be such an intense experience that it can drive normally sensitive adults to complete distraction.  There is a strong temptation to turn worktime, drop-off and pick-up times into mini-conferences with teachers or support groups with other parents.  Please resist.  The children may be behaving as though they have the emotional delicacy of trucks, but they still seem confused and embarrassed by public discussions of themselves, and need you to be talking and listening to them--not other adults. Good times to get the perspectives of other adults are room meetings, teacher conferences, night phone calls.

Last Details.  The RDR system for managing your child's stuff is:  lunch boxes go on the shelf in cubbies, extra indoor clothes go in bins above cubbies, outdoor clothes go on hooks in the hall.  Please help your child manage their cubby by being vigilant in taking home seasonal clothing and excessive shoes/supplies.   

Look for artwork in cubbies at the end of the day.  Any artwork not claimed by 5:25 on Fridays may be discarded to make room for the next week's output.